


Even if it's only this once

by Firebog



Series: Shameless Smut [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Actually...more than kind of, Endverse, Endverse before they're broken, Okay they're still kind of broken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-31
Updated: 2014-03-31
Packaged: 2018-01-17 15:16:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1392445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firebog/pseuds/Firebog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somewhere along the way the goal changed from harsh angry sex that leaves them both battered and bruised to...this. <em>I could get used to this,</em> Cas thinks. With Dean there's so much bound up with him, so much loss and pain and joy and happiness and a million other conflicting emotions. It usually makes him want to tear into Dean and see if he feels the same.</p><p>The Endverse but before Cas is on all the pills and before Dean has turned into a cold hearted bastard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even if it's only this once

**Author's Note:**

> Miscommunication might as well be everyone's middle name on Supernatural.
> 
> I should have been working on a paper about species distribution in relation to climatic shifts (Or what I'd like to call my paper: critters move around when there's shitty weather) instead I wrote this. If Miscommunication is everyone's middle name on Supernatural, Procrastination is my middle name.
> 
> This might eventually turn into a flashback for something else I'm mulling over, but in the mean time it gets to stand on it's own.

Dean bursts into the cabin, the smell of pot and sex assaulting his nose. His eyes rip around the room until he spots Cas sitting on the edge of the bed industriously twisting a small metal grinder. "Jesus fucking christ Cas! If I ever hear about you doing that again!"

"What?" Cas gives him a thoroughly unimpressed look. "If you ever hear about me doing that again...? You're supposed to follow that up with a threat. That's how it works Dean."

Dean breaths hard through his nose. He knows that Cas is trying to bait him into an argument, trying to pick a fight with him again. This is just how it goes now. It's how it's gone for the last few years. _Christ Cas, why do you do this to me?_ Dean wonders.

"Cat got your tongue?" Cas smirks at him. He sets the grinder down on his nightstand. He turns, swings his legs up on the bed, and leans back. He stares at Dean waiting for him to come up with some kind of retort.

Dean stays silent. Anything that he says now is going to spark an argument and he is so fucking tired of arguing with Cas. He stares him down and for once Cas looks away first.

"It's not like I couldn't zap out of there whenever I wanted to." Cas says staring at a point just off to the side of Dean's left knee. Cas wants to follow that up with a question, _Why do you only show you care when you're angry or disappointed?_ But doesn't. He lets them fall into silence.

Dean lets out a long slow breath. The moment has passed. They aren't going to fight again tonight. He goes around the table finally noting that it's still covered in maps. Cas never puts his shit away now until he's gotten high. It kind of pisses him off these days. Cas has picked up a lot of bad habits. Mostly from him. _Did Cas leave them out to deliberately piss me off?_ Dean wonders, _I wouldn't put it past him these days_. He ignores it and goes over and sits on the end of the bed, his back to Cas. He puts his head in his hands. He ignores it when Cas snakes his feet down either side of him. He ignores it when one foot is stroking down his thigh and he ignores how the other is pressing against him. "Just don't do that again. Okay? You already lost your ability to heal. What if you lose your wings next? What if you lose them when you think you can just zap out of there?"

Cas pulls his feet away and curls them up to himself. When he sets aside all the fears he has about Dean and about the apocalypse, losing his ability to fly is one of his biggest fears. It's almost at the top of the list because he can already feel it happening. He hasn't told anyone and by anyone he really means Dean. He doesn't know what he's going to do when he loses it. _What will I be then? What will I have left?_ They're two questions he ponders frequently these days.

"What were you even doing in there anyway?" Dean asks not turning around. He's staring at the table covered in maps. They're undeniably valuable these days. No one prints maps anymore. Cas really has to start putting them away when they're done with them. They can't wreck these because they might not ever find more.

Cas grabs the grinder off the nightstand and starts twisting it again. "It doesn't matter now."

Dean turns around, angry now. He breathes through his nose hard, nostrils flaring. He knows that half the camp is probably waiting in nervous twitchy fear for the yelling to start; like a bunch of kids afraid when mom and dad argue. Dean breathes deeply trying to stay calm. They're supposed to be the ones that are strong for everyone else. If they keep clawing at each other this way it's going to cause problems in the camp. He tries to keep his voice down. "Yes it fucking does matter. The others went in after you. You pulled them into that shit storm. For what?"

"Nothing. Like I said, it doesn't matter now. No one died right? No one got infected. We're still where we were yesterday. Too many people not enough food." Cas twists the grinder, every turn is like a shock of anger down his spine. He doesn't regret his actions of the last few days, he regrets Dean finding out. There's a lot of things he regrets Dean finding out about. _And so many more things I regret that he hasn't._ Cas thinks. He gives the grinder a sharp twist.

"So you put them all in danger for nothing? That's great Cas." Dean gets up. He looks over at the door debating on whether he wants to push his luck tonight. _We've gotten this far without yelling,_ Dean thinks, _I should just call it quits and go back to my own cabin and have a fucking drink._ He would like to just once wind down before the next argument inevitably springs up. He heads for the door before anything can happen.

"Running away again?" Cas asks knowing exactly what kind of reaction that will get out of Dean. _But I don't know how else to make you stay._ Cas thinks. It bothers him, _Why do you only stay if you're angry?_ He leans down to open a drawer on the nightstand. He takes out an old wooden clip board, a piece of cardboard, and a pack of papers. He swings his legs back down to the floor and puts the clipboard on his lap. He opens the grinder and turns it over on the clipboard. A little pile of pot falls out. "It's okay Dean. Go ahead. I know you like to avoid your problems unless you can shoot them."

Dean freezes with his hand on the doorknob. Barely controlled anger seethes just below the surface. He can feel his face going red with it. He really does not want to do this tonight. He turns to glare at Cas.

Cas doesn't look up at him as he starts making lines of pot with the piece of cardboard, one for each joint he'll roll. "I thought you were going?"

Dean rolls his shoulders trying to calm down. He turns back to the door. Outside he can see a couple of guys on patrol pretending they weren't staring at him through the screen door.

"Go on." Cas says as he starts manipulating a line of pot carefully onto a paper. "I won't get into any more trouble Fearless Leader. I promise."

The use of that nickname is what decides it for Dean. He hates it when Cas calls him that. Dean closes the big wooden door of the cabin. Cas really wants to argue tonight. He closes the window and pulls the curtain shut. _Maybe the others won't hear the yelling and screaming tonight_. Dean thinks and knows it's not going to happen, _Maybe this time they won't all go skittering away in fear later when I head home_.

When he turns around Cas is standing on the other side of the table staring at him with a shadow of a smirk on his face. Dean doubts any of his precautions are actually going to work. Everyone is going to hear this argument. It'll just be one more nail in the coffin as far as group cohesion goes, "What the fuck do you want from me Cas? Huh? Do you want me to not give a fuck? Do you want me to not care what happens to you?"

Cas slowly grins from the other side of the table. _I want you to care so much it hurts_ , Cas thinks, _I want you to be hurt because you care not because you don't._ He meets Dean's eyes in a wordless question. It's also a bit of a challenge. _Feel something damn it!_

 _Oh_ , Dean thinks, _It's going to be like that tonight_. He's seen that question in Cas's eyes before and it pisses him off to no end. This had started happening when they moved into the camp. It was always after Cas had done something that makes him mad and it makes him even more angry that this is the only kind of situation where Cas wants this. He'd like it if just once Cas didn't try to goad him into angry sex. He'd like it if just once Cas simply asked him for it like a normal fucking human being. Just fucking told him that's what he wanted to do. But no. Cas isn't human. Cas is...whatever he is these days. This was how Cas asked for sex. Baiting him into arguments until he was nearly bursting in anger and taunting him until it spilled over into a physical fight and not long after they'd end up in Cas's bed in a mess of sweat and sheets, both generally sporting a few bruises now that Cas can't heal anymore.

Cas doesn't break eye contact as he puts his hand on the table and in one sweeping motion sends all the maps to the floor. He watches Dean's nostrils flare in anger, the maps have become one of their most invaluable possessions, especially the ones where they've updated the open roads and infected cities. He's expecting Dean to dart around the table so he's surprised when Dean steps forward and a hand whips out like a biting snake and grabs his shirt. He's pulled across the table. His feet just barely touch the floor.

" _Do **not** damage those maps_." Dean manages to get out between clenched teeth.

Even being pulled across the table Cas doesn't break eye contact. He puts a hand on Dean's arm and narrows his eyes at him, " ** _Let go_**."

Dean searches Cas's eyes. He's not going to let Cas start doing things he'll regret later. He knows what Cas is playing at here but he has to make sure. Even after all shit they've been through together lately as Cas becomes more and more human Dean is finding it harder to read Cas. Cas isn't black and white anymore. Does he want this or not? Cas comes in shades of grey now. Does he want this now but will be ashamed later? Does he only think he wants this because he think it's expected? Does he want this because he thinks Dean will be ashamed later? Does he just want this for the sake of wanting it? Or maybe Cas doesn't want this at all? _Yeah right,_ Dean thinks of that last option, _Not with the way he's got my arm in a death grip._

Dean stares at Cas. Cas doesn't back down from it, in fact his eyes have gotten a little wider in anticipation of whatever it is Dean will do next. Dean lets him go because that's the one thing Cas probably doesn't expect. It's also the one thing that will piss Cas off the most. _Good_.

Cas stares at Dean in mild shock for a couple of seconds before his face goes stern. _You are not leaving here tonight Dean Winchester!_ Cas screams in his head, _You're staying! Just stay. Stop picking up my bad habits._ He surges over the table and launches himself at Dean. They both go crashing to the floor, the table and a chair go with them.

Dean shoves Cas off and rolls away. Cas is already back up, waiting. Waiting because it's Dean's turn. It almost makes Dean laugh. Cas wants to fight but he's still polite about it. Well, he might as well play along, blow off some of his own steam. He lurches forward but pulls up short. Cas jumps back and crashes into the chair they knocked over. Dean takes the opportunity to dart forward and grab Cas. He gets him up against the wall with a thud that shakes the cabin. He presses his arm against the back of Cas's neck. They stand there like that for a minute both breathing hard. Dean has no illusions; Cas is letting him do this. Cas can still push trucks up hill one handed. He can knock Dean flat on his ass no problem, no questions asked.

Cas gets his arms under himself and pushes backward, not enough to throw Dean off but enough to ease the pressure on his neck and turn around. Dean steps in closer, bracing his arm across Cas's chest. Cas stares for a moment trying to ascertain what Dean could be thinking. Sometimes when they do this he can tell that Dean really doesn't want to be there. In those cases he would say something right now that would send Dean from the cabin in a rage. But Dean doesn't look like he wants to leave. _Good_.

For his efforts at playing along with Cas's game Dean gets elbowed in the stomach. That sparks the real fight. They clash like the soldiers they are but always careful not to go too far. Dean used to not hold back, Cas was an unstoppable force not long ago but since that first day he left bruises on Cas's skin he's gotten careful. Neither of them talk about it. Cas won't even acknowledge the bruises tomorrow.

Some of the others at camp have expressed some concerns about what it is they do when this happens. It's another thing that pisses Dean off these days; him and Cas will both walk away with bruises from tonight and everyone will accuse _him_ of being an abusive fuck. _If Bobby were still around he'd set the others straight._ Dean thinks, _Instead all I get are a bunch of trauma survivors gossiping about me and Cas._ Cas is a fragile broken man. Cas couldn't possibly be the one that starts it. Cas couldn't possibly be the one that comes after him for sex like this. Cas is gentle with everyone else he sleeps with. Cas is just a harmless pothead. Right. No one ever asks if _he's_ okay after. They should, Cas is an angel. Cas could seriously fuck him up still if he wants to. But no one believes it. No one quite believes what Cas is and maybe they shouldn't because Cas probably won't be an angel for much longer. Neither of them talk about that either.

The scuffle has sent furniture and maps and all the little items that make up someone's home flying across the room. They don't yell and argue when sex is what's in store, instead it's wordless snarls and the occasional swear. The cabin is a wreck in no time. Dean kind of feels like a wreck; Cas got a solid jab into his side a moment ago but they're not done quite yet. _Never quite done with you_. Dean thinks, _Don't want to ever be done with you._

Cas knocks Dean backward over the overturned table. He catches Dean's shirt before he hits the floor. Cas grins and Dean knows that now he's just along for the ride. Whatever Cas wants that's what they're doing. No more your turn, my turn. Dean's okay with that.

Dean is manhandled towards the bed. He digs his heels in. It's useless because Cas is still one strong bastard failing grace or not but it's a part of how the night is supposed to go. If he just lets Cas push him over to the bed Cas will stop and kick him out. They have to fight every step of the way because that's what they do, they fight till the bitter end. Dean's wondered more than once if something is getting screwed up in Cas's head as he becomes human. God made angels as soldiers who fight for him out of their love for him. _Maybe as Cas gets all human on me that angelic nature of his is making his brain go haywire confusing fighting and fucking and love._ Dean muses, _Or maybe I some how managed to screw up an angel_. Dean's sure it's the latter thought that makes the most sense.

Cas strips him down. The first time they had done this Cas had snapped his fingers and they were naked. Now Cas is getting frustrated because he forgot to take Dean's boots off before trying to drag his pants off. He remedies the situation quickly and soon after he tosses Dean's clothes to the floor not caring where they land.

Cas reaches behind himself and takes his blade out of the waist of his jeans. He can't summon it up or hide it away with his grace anymore. It's going to be the last physical manifestation of his grace probably a lot sooner than he's willing to admit. There's very few occasions it's not on his person now but this is one of them. He's tried fucking with it still on his person- strapped to the outside of his leg- before and he thanks god he tried it with Dean. He can't think of anyone else who would just so easily forgive him for accidentally drawing blood, not even noticing he had hurt them. He sets the blade on the nightstand then hurries out of his own clothes only occasionally stopping to push Dean back down to the bed.

Cas hasn't quite decided what they're going to do yet. _Just something rough and angry_. Cas thinks, _Something that will make him stay_. He stops for a moment to let his eyes slide over Dean's body. That's when he decides. He goes to his nightstand and opens the bottom drawer. It's full of condoms- most of which are soon to expire-, lube, and toys that have interested him at one time or another. These things are all surprisingly easy to find during the end of the world. Most people are looking for canned goods and expect to die tomorrow. They aren't thinking about safe sex if they're thinking about sex at all. He pulls out lube and thinks about whether he should start using condoms with Dean now that he can't heal. He slams the drawer shut. He's still angelic enough to know he's not carrying a disease. He can't tell anymore if Dean has something deadly but the end of the world tends to be fatal anyway so what's the harm in speeding things along? He'll take the risk with Dean.

Dean watches as Cas stands transfixed by his nightstand. For a moment it's like the old Cas, Castiel Angel of the Lord confused about some aspect of humanity. Then Cas is moving again, straddling his hips. He watches Cas squirt some lube onto his fingers and then reach behind himself. Dean runs his hands along Cas's sides a few times, one hand eventually finding its way to Cas's dick. Cas makes a sharp noise when he takes a firm hold of his cock. Dean starts pumping his hand. Cas gives him a sly challenging look. It irritates Dean to no end that when they have sex everything they do Cas seems to take as a challenge. Dean isn't sure what the challenge is even supposed to be. That Cas is human enough to have any kind of sex thrown his way? That's he's still angel enough to not feel pain when things get rough?

There's no way that Cas is ready but Cas moves up, grabbing Dean's dick in one hand and starts to settle himself down on it. _For fuck's sake Cas just stop for a sec and let me work you open a bit more so it doesn't hurt._ Dean wants to say, _It doesn't always have to hurt_. _It's your own fault we're like this_. But he doesn't because he knows they'll just be wasted words. Dean has tried to voice his concerns about this before and Cas just shrugs and gets on with it. The most Cas will let him do to help is what he's doing right now, squeezing some lube into his palm and slicking his dick down before Cas gets it all the way in.

When Cas is sitting in his lap they pause for a minute. Cas hasn't stopped like this before. If they're still going to do this it isn't going to be frantic angry sex, probably just angry. That kind of worries him. Dean searches Cas's face for some sign trying to determine if Cas is in too much pain or if he's just thinking about what to do next. _Maybe we should stop_ , Dean thinks, though he knows they won't, _before one of us gets hurt_. Before he can ask Cas if he's okay Cas is moving.

Cas leans forward placing his hands on either side of Dean's neck and starts rocking his hips slowly. It stings more than it did last time, more than it ever has, but as he moves the sting goes away or at least, it turns into something more pleasurable. _Just another little piece of my grace slipping away._ Cas thinks bitterly. He glances down at Dean, _Well at least I haven't scared you off yet with this sudden vulnerability._

Slowly Cas picks up the pace, the slap of skin on skin and gasps and moans from Dean are the only things that fill the silence in the room.

Dean has his hands on Cas's hips pushing him back on every downward roll of Cas's hips. _Oh christ_ , Dean thinks, _how is he still this hot and tight and- fuck christ hell- perfect?_

One of Dean's hands slide from Cas's hips to catch his dick. Cas bats his hand away and grins at him, "No. I'm going to pound that into you in a few minutes."

Dean glares back a little offended, "A few minutes?"

Cas rolls his eyes. "When's the last time you had sex?"

Dean doesn't answer because Cas knows. Two months ago. With him. Ruined motel three hours from camp. It was raining. "What? You think you'll outlast me?"

Cas arches an eyebrow at him and smirks. _If I can't be physically rough how about verbally?_ Cas hopes it's enough. "I always do."

 _Fine, if that's how you want it to be._ Dean thinks. Dean draws his legs up and plants his feet on the bed. He tilts his hips up sending Cas toppling forward. He grins when Cas scowls at him. He grabs Cas's hips firmly and starts thrusting up while pushing Cas down hard. Every slam down elicits a ragged gasp from Cas.

 _Slam!_ Cas breathes in sharply.

 _Slam!_ Cas breathes out like he's forgotten how to do that and only just now remembered.

 _Slam!_ Cas closes his eyes and takes in one- two short breathes.

 _Slam!_ Cas breathes out with a sinful moan and clenches tight around Dean.

" **Fuck**." Dean hisses. _Way to go Dean, you're going to jump the rails prematurely at this rate._ Dean thinks, _And wasn't I trying to prove him wrong?_

Cas pushes down and keeps his hips there when Dean swears. When he sees Dean has collected himself once more he starts rocking his hips again. He sets the rhythm back to something slower. Something they can both handle. _That hurt more than I meant it to._ Cas thinks, _But anything for you to stay_.

Dean moves to sit up so he can get his mouth on Cas but Cas pushes him back down into the bed. There's enough force behind it that the bed makes a soft _whumpf_ as his body hits the mattress. Cas's fingers dig into his shoulder. Dean forgets about the enormous handprint scar sometimes. It's just a part of him. The few people he's slept with in the camp- other than Cas- spread rumours about it. That it's the mark of some demon or maybe the devil himself. He lets them think whatever bullshit they want to think. No one would believe it if he told them it was from Cas. Cas is the resident pot head who gets up to harmless sexual antics. No one believes the awesome power Cas once wielded. By the time they had started taking in refugees Cas's powers had already been in freefall. With Bobby gone no one but him and Cas knows what he used to be. _But fuck Cas I know who you were and who you are- mostly._ Dean thinks, _Why do you always want it to be like this? You have no fucking clue how much I love you, you stupid angelic bastard._

"I never told you before but this?" Cas digs his fingers in even deeper. He rolls his hips up and lets himself slide back down, "Is nothing."

"Huh?" Dean asks confused. He's forgotten about trying to prove Cas wrong. He's so close to coming it hurts and Cas is choosing now to tell him it meant nothing to him to pull him out of Hell? It cuts into him like a knife. "What the hell man?"

Cas lets out a breathy laugh. He drives his fingers in further, if he could still heal he would have bee tempted to draw blood. _Anything to make you feel something_. Cas thinks, _Just tell me what to do_. But since he can't heal he'll try this. He slams his hips down and digs his fingers in harder. Dean gasps and Cas isn't sure if its with pleasure or pain. He doesn't let up, "Think of this as a work place accident."

"Thanks Cas. That's what I needed to hear right now." Dean says mad because that orgasm? Yeah, that's about to be a lost cause. He isn't going to get off with Cas calling him a work place accident. And he's madder still because he's giving Cas what he wants and all he's getting in return are words like a slap in the face.

"Don't be so pessimistic." Cas says, he realizes that his words stung a bit more than he intended them to. He brushes his free hand along Dean's face trying to sooth him. There's lines there now that weren't there when they first met. They tell a hard painful story that's probably going to be a short story at that. He stares down into Dean's eyes trying to peer in to his soul like he once could. _When did I fall in love with this...this mere human that is so much more?_ Cas wonders, _Why did it take so long to get here?_

Dean turns his head away from Cas's hand and gaze, "I think I'm a realist and reality is pretty shitty these days."

"The thing that matters Dean? It's inside you. I never meant for this." Cas says ignoring Dean's words. He eases his fingers up and clenches back down to demonstrate what he's referring to. Dean looks up at him as if he's been betrayed. _Why don't you believe I love you?_ Cas thinks, _Why do you think I just want to hurt you? You come in here and won't stay unless I do. It's your fault we're this way._ He starts picking up the pace again, crashing his hips into Dean's, trying to make Dean understand what he's saying, how important Dean is to him. He leans down low to whisper against Dean's ear, "But your soul Dean? I _meant_ to brand that. It was only an accident that I branded the hide it came in too."

There is a brief second where Dean wants to ask how a soul can be branded but it's only a second. The low rumble of Cas's voice in his ear and the words he's saying and suddenly he's caught up in an orgasm and the sights, sounds, and smells of Cas. _Christ Cas, how do you always make me come like this? I fucking love you- so much,_ Dean thinks but all that comes out of his mouth is a hoarse, " ** _Fuck_**."

Cas rocks his hips slowly through Dean's orgasm enjoying the warm spill inside and the twitching of Dean's penis. _That's better._ Cas thinks, _If you won't believe I love you at least believe I wanted to save you._ When Dean is finished gasping for breath Cas spreads his legs a little wider to sink down onto Dean's chest. He can feel Dean softening. Very shortly Dean is going to slide out. Cas reaches over for a rag from his nightstand. Not long ago he wouldn't have cared about leaving wet spots on the sheets but now doing laundry has become rather perilous. Getting enough water to clean bedding means leaving the camp. Leaving the camp means croats. Croats mean nothing but death. When doing laundry can get you killed you start to care where the come goes.

Cas cleans them both up while Dean drifts on the edge of sleep in a blissful post sex haze. Cas digs around in the blankets for a moment until he finds the lube again. He crawls back over to kneel between Dean's legs. He leans over Dean planting a kiss on his forehead while he grabs a pillow. He sits back down between Dean's legs.

Dean raises his hips slowly knowing what Cas is about without having to be told. Cas slides the pillow under him, then Cas is moving his legs around. Cas pushes Dean's left leg up so it's bent with his foot flat on the bed and then grabs the right one and pushes it back until he's resting his right foot on his left knee. Dean watches and laughs to himself at how Cas has arranged him. It looks ridiculous but he has to admit that his hips have rolled back tilting upward and it's actually pretty damn comfortable. Normally when they do this comfort is the last thing on either of their minds. He breaths in with a hiss when a lube coated finger presses against him and slips in.

Cas watches Dean over his legs while he works him open with one finger, then two. He trails a hand down Dean's thighs before he starts to stroke his dick, "I want you to come with me."

"If you didn't notice that ship already sailed." Dean says lazily rocking his hips against Cas's fingers. The first time they did this he had freaked out a little- it had also been a hell of a lot rougher that first time, he's surprised Cas even knows how to be gentle with him- but now he just lays back and lets himself enjoy it. The apocalypse puts fear into perspective. Dean doesn't give a fuck what other people think about his sex life anymore, if they don't like it they can go see how hospitable the croats are.

"I can wait. And entertain myself in the meantime." Cas says as he pushes a third finger in. He crooks them up without warning. Dean gives a full body twitch as his hips snap up. He arches his back trying to bare down on Cas's fingers. Cas laughs to himself, smug in Dean's reaction.

Cas amuses himself by drawing out little gasps and moans and swears from Dean for the next fifteen minutes. This is far more intimate than what they've done before, somewhere along the way the goal changed from harsh angry sex that leaves them both battered and bruised to...this. _I could get used to this_ , Cas thinks, _If you let me do it, I could get used to this._ It's not that he never has easy gentle sex with anyone ever, just not Dean. The allure of angry sex with Dean may have lost its appeal to Cas but that's how this all started. With Dean there's so much bound up with him, so much loss and pain and joy and happiness and a million other conflicting emotions. The first few times Cas had just wanted to tear into Dean and see if he felt the same. Now they're here and Cas doesn't know any other way to get Dean to stay. _But not tonight_. Cas thinks, _Just once. Let's not be angry. Stay because I love you._

Cas withdraws his fingers. Dean makes an accusatory noise at him. Cas smiles at that and lets out a soft chuckle. He shuffles them around until he has Dean's legs hooked over his shoulders. He reaches down to direct his dick as he presses his hips forward. The head slides in with a little effort and he stops to let Dean adjust.

Dean runs his hands down Cas's chest. He keeps his eyes fixed there too. This is starting to have the feel of more than just sex and it freaks him out a little. _What's up with you tonight Cas?_ Dean wants to ask, _I thought we didn't do this._ He tries to distract himself, "Why'd you do it?"

Cas presses forward a bit more, "Do what?"

"Brand my soul." Dean says, his nose flares a little at the burning sensation of Cas pushing in but Cas stops suddenly, like he was watching him for signs of discomfort. _Yeah, this is definitely not our usual fare_ , Dean thinks, _goddamn hell Cas, why can't I ever get a hold on who you are? And what you want me to be?_

"Hubris." Cas manages to get out. He breathes out roughly. He's barely even in but Dean...there's just so much Dean filling up his senses right now, "Vainglory. Arrogance. Pride."

"So you were a cocky bastard back than too?" Dean tries to joke. _Why is he making this more complicated than it needs to be?_ Dean wonders, _He does realize there's an apocalypse going down, right? That we don't get to have this while everything around us is dying._

"In retrospect." Cas says as he pulls out a little then pushes further in. Dean doesn't do anything to suggest it hurts so he pushes in a little further still, "I'm a lot of things in retrospect."

"How'd you even do it?" Dean asks. He rolls his hips up a little encouraging Cas along, anything to go faster than this. To make it just sex and not- not something else.

A smile ticks at the corner of Cas's mouth when Dean squirms under him trying to persuade him to shove more in before Dean is accustomed to what he already has. _So you've divined my plans have you?_ Cas thinks, _I'm sorry but not tonight. I just want this once. Just once let me have it._ Cas ignores Dean's further attempts to buck his hips up and holds them still, "You wouldn't understand."

"Because I'm just a human and you're an angel." Dean mocks. They've had that argument before, usually it's heated and angry, but it does nothing to get Cas to move faster. _Jesus fuck Cas, you're the one that usually spits out acid. You're scaring the shit of me tonight._ Dean thinks, _Don't do something stupid like tell me you love me because I might say it back and then where will we be?_

"Exactly." Cas manages a grin. He's about half way there.

"Well you're not _exactly_ an angel anymore." Dean tries to taunt. He can feel Cas shove a little harder at that but Cas stops himself before it turns back into just sex. _Cas, come on, just fuck me already, don't make this more than sex._ Dean desperately wants to say but just as badly, maybe more, he wants to say, _Oh fuck, Cas, love you so fucking much, don't care what you are._

"I'm not _exactly_ human either." Cas retorts. He tries to ignore Dean's words and lose himself in Dean instead. He pushes in further. So close to being in all the way. The heat wrapped around his dick is intoxicating in a way getting high or drinking never quite achieves.

"What's that make you?" Dean asks. He meant for it to come out sharp and snappy but it comes out softer than he'd like. It's a last ditch effort. He doesn't know what else he can say after that to get Cas angry again without actually hurting him.

"Not a hell of a lot." Cas laughs, it's half way between bitter and tender. He knows what Dean is trying to do. He's not an idiot. He's lived with Dean Winchester for the better- or should that be worse- part of the apocalypse. _Why don't you believe I love you?_ Cas thinks, _Look at how much I've given up for you. Who else do you think I could love?_

Dean stares up at Cas. There's something so painfully...in need and hurt with the way Cas just said that. _Jesus fucking christ Cas, I'm sorry I dragged you down into this shit storm called earth,_ Dean thinks but more than anything right now what he'd like to say is, "Still mine though."

A smile quirks onto Cas's face, he buries it in the crook of Dean's neck, "Always Dean."

Dean realizes he must have said that last part out loud. Cas doesn't give him a chance to back peddle. He starts to slowly pull out and thrust back in. He grabs Dean's cock and strokes it in time with his thrusts. Dean let's his head loll back as bursts of pleasure spread through him.

It slowly dawns on Dean that they're making love for the first time. _Fuck hell shit damn fuck!_ Dean mentally yells at himself, _How did I let this happen?_ He came into Cas's cabin to chew him out for putting himself and others in danger. He stayed in Cas's cabin intent on having a screaming match with him that would wake the whole camp. He played along with the fighting so that Cas could get laid and he could blow off some steam. They weren't supposed to be doing... _this_. What is he supposed to do about this? He can't be in love in the middle of the apocalypse. There's already too much hurt and pain in his day to day life he doesn't need this too. _But fuck do I ever want it_ , Dean admits to himself and then just as quickly dismisses the thought with, _Yeah, and you want a hell of a lot of things you can't have Winchester. You don't get this either._

Cas jostles his legs around a little trying to get better leverage. Dean knows what he's getting ready to do. Cas has done this to him before, except all the other times he was trying to win some challenge that Dean didn't know he had issued. Cas leans in to kiss him as he thrusts in then rolls his hips up sharply and strokes his hand down to the base of Dean's dick.

Dean presses his head back into the pillows as he sucks in a hard breath. He's pretty sure he should be seeing cartoon hearts and stars circling around his head. Cas does it slow again, then three times in quick succession. Dean's body is tensed in pleasure, "Jesus fucking christ! Fuck! God! Holy christ!"

Cas chuckles lowly, "You're praying to the wrong people."

Dean chokes out a laugh. When Cas jackrabbits into him again this time Dean gets out a more appropriate prayer, "Fucking Cas! Holy Cas! Cas fucking Cas! Fuck! Cas!"

They are both caught up laughing at the absurdity of it.

The laughter helps Dean to relax. _Okay so we're not just fucking,_ Dean's brain manages to scrape together the thought, _The apocalypse can go to hell. We've been through everything else together why can't we have this too?_

Cas watches as Dean's body seems to be released from some unfathomable weight. It smooths out some of the lines on Dean's face. _Is that what you look like when you believe me?_ Cas wonders. He leans in to kiss him, to catch all the noises Dean probably doesn't realize he's making but Cas finds endearing.

Neither is aware of time as they are each lost in the sensations of their bodies.

Cas feels it building slowly, a coiled heat drawing tight. Everything is gathering up and burning with pleasure but he's determined to wait for Dean. He slows down his hips and speeds up his hand. A few moments later Dean is breathing hard under him, a string of tender curses spilling from his mouth. Cas tries to clamp his mouth over Dean's again but by then his own breathing has turned erratic. Dean groans loudly and Cas is aware of slickness covering his hand but it just barely registers as his own orgasm tears through him. If there's anyone outside of the cabin they definitely heard that, not that either of them care.

They are both left panting, gasping for breath. Throats dry and voices hoarse. Neither move. Neither are capable of moving. They lay still and pant not even able to turn their heads to kiss with bated breath.

Dean runs his hand over Cas's back breaking the post sex stupor first. He opens his mouth to talk but the words stick in his throat. He laughs to himself, he's literally incapable of speech after that. He clears his throat, still laughing a little, "Thaa-" He clears his throat again, "That sounded good."

Cas shakes in silent laughter.

Dean flops his arm over and starts blindly feeling around on the nightstand for something to clean up with. He can't reach anything. In the end Cas tells him to just use a pillow case.

They clean up slowly, both are fumbling and exhausted. They crawl under the covers when they're as clean as they can be with only a pillow case to use. Cas has curled into Dean's side. Dean puts an arm around him. Dean is yawning and almost asleep when Cas speaks up.

"Imagine a complex pattern of light now shift the frequency ever so slightly." Cas says, his head resting on Dean's chest.

"What?" Dean asks through his yawn.

"You asked how to brand a soul. That's as close to a description as I can get that you could understand." Cas says. He's yawning a second later. He presses his face against Dean and breaths him in. _Thank you_. Cas thinks, _Even if it's only this once_.

Dean smiles to himself and snorts a bit, "You could have just told me magic and I would have taken that."

Cas tilts his head up to look at Dean. There is a mischievous look to his eyes, "I did it with magic. Hex bags filled with chicken livers and cat bones and everything else."

Dean laughs, his eyelids sink shut. The world turns dark but it's warm and smells like Cas. _I could get used to this_ , Dean thinks as he drops off into sleep.

It feels like seconds later when Dean wakes but its light out so it can't be. He's confused at first as to where he is. It's definitely not his cabin. He sits up and looks around. _Oh right, **Cas**._ Dean thinks. He sighs a little. He wonders if that was a one time only deal or if Cas will want to do it that way again, with love behind it rather than anger. _Fuck, please let it be more than once._ Dean thinks, _Don't give me that and then take it away_. He decides in that moment that whether or not Cas will want to do that again he's going to mark Cas the way Cas marked him. It's only fair. He looks over to the nightstand where he saw Cas's blade the night before but it's gone. He gets up to look for it.

Cas, having gotten up twenty minutes earlier, has righted much of the furniture and put away the maps. He is sitting at the table finishing rolling the joints he had started the night before. He notices Dean looking around the room still naked, "Lost something?"

"Where do you hide your blade?" Dean asks lifting up the blankets and pillows looking for it.

"I don't hide it. I keep it on me." Cas says pulling up the back of his shirt. He doesn't get dressed without it. It goes from under his pillow to on his person. He doesn't let it out of arms reach. It's a piece of him just as much as skin or fingers are pieces of humans. He feels more like the angel he was when it's pressed against his skin.

Dean grabs the blade out of the back of Cas's pants. He goes around to the other side of the table, picking up his knife as he goes. He sits down.

"What're you doing?" Cas looks over suspiciously. These days he's really only comfortable with Dean touching his blade but even then, he's still wary about it. This vestigial piece of his grace may one day be all he has left. _I'm kidding myself_. Cas thinks, _It will be, there's no ifs or maybes about it._

Dean starts carving into the end of the handle.

"What the hell are you doing!?" Cas yelps. He can feel it. Every scratch. The blade is a piece of him after all and Dean goddamned well knows that. It feels like Dean is scratching his knife against Cas's bare skin. Cas lunges for his blade over the table.

Dean jerks away when Cas makes a grab for the blade. He hunches over it, finishing off his carving. Cas has told him that this blade is of angelic nature more than a few times. Cas has explained that it's literally a part of his grace, that's how he used hide it away, he just sort of absorbed back into himself. _Not anymore though_. Dean thinks. _But it doesn't matter if it means I get to do this._ Dean's barely finished when Cas yanks the blade out of his hands.

Cas inspects it. A small D has been scratched into the end of the handle. He rubs his thumb over it a few times as if he could still smooth it out this way, with a thought and some grace. Not that Cas would change what Dean has done. _Dean Winchester, you're kind of an ass_. Cas thinks fondly, _You're supposed to bring flowers_. He rubs his thumb over the letter again. He glances up at Dean in a silent question.

"You got to brand my soul." Dean says, "I get to brand your grace."

**Author's Note:**

> Do you think I can hand this in instead of my paper? I mean come on, no one wants to read 20 pages about species distribution.


End file.
